E004: The First Step is Self Awareness with Amy Demone

Self awareness needs to be taught.

[00:00:30] From an early age, I existed in what you would call default mode. This meant that I allowed life to happen to me instead of for me. I did what I was told, more or less. I didn't have any boundaries or expectations of how I wanted to be treated by friends, family, or myself. Also, I moved through the day-to-day like I was taught to: get good grades, go to university, get a job, and have a family. I find it funny that in this tried and true, white picket fence story, there isn't much talk about managing emotions and focusing on being happy or content; or even being a semi-decent human being.

It's almost like we've got this whole life thing wrong. Actually, I'll make that a statement. We do have this whole life thing wrong. For the people in the back still a little confused of what I'm trying to highlight here, I chose not to choose. I chose a life that was taught to me, not a life that I, Amy Demone, wanted.

It would be easy for me to blame my parents.

And if you listen to much of what I say, I do this a lot. But I also recognize that our parents had parents and our grandparents had parents too. That means that this cycle passed down from generation to generation. The cycle of not choosing is a family legacy of mine.

[00:02:01] And I imagine it's very similar for most people listening to this podcast, this cycle of not choosing.

This cycle of not choosing is, what I believe to be, the travesty that is destroying the fabric of the world today. Or in other, again, simpler terms, I think it's time we start to go inside ourselves and start to live our lives from what we want instead of what is expected of us. As the quote says, expectations breed resentment. And self awareness helps us realize these expectations and this bitterness.

Look, no one, and I mean absolutely no one, except maybe yourself, is expecting you to wake up and overnight become exactly who you want to be. If it was this easy, we'd all be doing it. I've been on the choosing path since 21. And I would argue that I'm not even close to where I want to be. But I am millions of moments closer to who I want to be than I would have been, had I not decided to start choosing my life back on that fateful day of March 16th, 2011.

[00:03:10] So, how do we start in this journey? What skills and characteristics do we need to learn and build to be able to do this? How do we start the seemingly unknown and potentially difficult adventure that many others only hope to embark on?

Two words: self awareness.

Self awareness is the ability to focus your, well, focus on the most important human being on this planet, yourself. self awareness allows you to see how your actions, thoughts, and emotions do or do not align with your personal standards of who you want to be. Yes, this just so happens to be what going to therapy allows you to cultivate.

Now, are you seeing the positives of the practice for all my non-believers out there? I digress. Outside of therapy, there are ways that take only time (and sometimes lots of it) and an innate desire to live your best life. And your best life starts with your mental health. Here are the first three steps to cultivate self awareness.

[00:04:16] Step one: Choose. I can't say this enough. And most of you aren't ready to hear it. It's hard to think we're standing in our own way. But isn't there something oddly liberating that the one thing that has been preventing you from being who you want to be is yourself?

See, this is the only real thing that you have any control over. A lot of us think or hope that we can control other people. We can make them be nicer to us, prevent them from angering us, or attempt to people please so well that they couldn’t possibly think poorly of us.

Spoiler alert. This is not the case. Now I do recognize, as I too was once in your shoes, that you might feel scared. You’re scared that since it's all up to you, you have to do it alone. Again, this is very rarely the case. What is really going on here is that you're most likely having a hard time asking for help.

For me, I grew up as an only child and was forced to take care of my own mental and emotional health.

My parents had their own stuff going on. I learned that doing it alone ended up with much better results than if I included others.

When it comes to your mental health, this is not the case. Do not believe the lies you tell yourself. (More about why you lie to yourself to keep yourself safe in a later episode.) This thought process started a huge hindrance in my development and something that I only really broke through about six months ago.

In reality, there's a whole team of cheerleaders and coaches waiting to help you become the version of yourself that you’re excited to wake up to every morning. From friends and family members, therapists, crisis line workers, teachers, and social media influencers to musicians, YouTube superstars, paramedics, delivery drivers, and random strangers on the street.

You don’t need to do this alone.

[00:06:25] Step two. Journaling. Our thoughts race miles a minute. We need to stop and listen to what we're trying to communicate to ourselves. A lot of the time we stay on autopilot, not using our self awareness. Have I said that enough yet? And we don't realize we ignore some major needs that our mind, body, and/or spirit crave. Like doing some exercise every once in a while. Or learning that we're actually more upset about that breakup than we've been kidding ourselves.

I get that many people find journaling silly or not for them, but I ask you again to try it. And remember that as something that could potentially make you feel better seems silly, you may need to take a closer look at it. If you need some free journal prompts, go to TheEmpathyFront.Com forward slash prompts or click the link in the show notes below.

[00:07:28] Step three. Start talking.

Take this how you will, but for me, it went from talking to people about all my issues (and I mean, random people). Not to mention accidentally, and quite terribly, trauma-bonding with a few ex-boyfriends that only made my healing a heck of a lot more complicated. This is not something I recommend, but I do recommend talking to some friends or a family member or a stranger that you trust. Or (gasp!) a therapist or counselor.

In order to start moving forward, you're going to have to put in your life into perspective. Talking it out will help you do that. It will also help you use that self awareness as you discover feelings you didn’t know you had.

Here's a helpful hint. When you enlist the help of someone that isn't experienced in this, set boundaries. Maybe you just want them to listen and not react, or maybe you want them to offer advice, even if it's really hard to hear. Or maybe you want them to simply agree with you. Whatever it is, tell them this. It will make everything much easier.

[00:08:38] Another disclaimer. I think it's important to note that depending on what you're dealing with, what trauma is being stored in the body, on top of roughly one million more things such as family, relationship, and physical health history, this could take anywhere from one day to years.

For me, I've been learning self awareness for roughly nine years.

I actively practice what I preach through this podcast and The Empathy Front for five. Maybe not every day, but in an amount that I'm happy with.

I don't share this fact to scare you, but to give you a realistic expectation for yourself. We must unlearn years and years of poor behavior, negative thinking, and self-destructive beliefs. This could take awhile. Sit back, buckle up, and take the leap of faith, and know that you are a badass and you will catch yourself.